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Are cows flammable?

by VM Brasseur on March 20th, 2006

Yes, they’ve got some potent and potentially explosive gaseous emissions. And they cook up quite nicely in their “beef” phase of life. But can you torch a cow?

The reason I ask is that while driving home today I noticed that one of the bovine pastures along the route is home not only to a number of fine looking cud-chewers but also to a brilliantly yellow fireplug.

That’s right. A hydrant. Installed in the middle of a cow pasture just off of 101-N. Quite literally in the middle of nowhere. Why would this be?

Yes, I can think of any number of “logical” explanations just as well as you can, thankyouverymuch. Needing a water supply for the cows. Putting a pasture on land originally zoned for something else. Um…region prone to brush fires?

How about house-training? I think this farmer is raising a new form of house cow. They behave themselves quite nicely indoors. Nary a mess is made (aside from the occassional broken vase). Open the door, let your house cow go out to its friendly neighborhood hydrant and do its cow-y thing, then it returns.

Think of the uses! Begone yard clippings! Hello personal source of natural gas! Leather furniture? I can do you one better than that with furniture which makes its own upholstery! Out of milk? No need to go to the store! Just head out to the front room where Bessie is sleeping peacefully in front of the Rockwellian fire with the kids playing around her.

This must be it. This is the reason for the hydrant. Invest now, folks. House cows are the wave of the future! Bigger, quite literally, than pot-belly pigs, I tell ya.

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5 Comments
  1. There was no hydrant. You saw nothing. You certainly did not see anything codenamed “Operation Housecow, phase beta”. We, the Pig Overlords, certainly have no such nefarious plans.

  2. Bovine spontaneous combustion just doesn’t get the coverage it deserves and I thank you for raising the question. The answer to your question is, of course, yes. However the government has spent much effort on discrediting this phenomenom.

    I would suggest that the “hydrant” is really an RFID monitor, and all the cows have RFID chips embedded in them.

    And lastly, I missed the Rockwellian fire meaning. I googled “Rockwellian fire” and google doesn’t know, either. What is a Rockewellian fire? (rereading this I now think it’s a reference to Norman, yes?)

  3. To Norman, yes. It’s an invented adjective meaning “a cozy homey fire of the sort that would not be out of place in a Norman Rockwell painting.”

  4. Father B permalink

    You moron, its for the herding dogs used to keep the cows in line! You don’t expect them to wait until thier union-mandated lunch break to go find a hydrant to relieve themselves, do you? How typical of you to think only of yourself and not the hard working dogs that keep you safe from those killer cows.

    Love, Nova.

  5. suomynona permalink

    Of course anything is flammable if they eat enough beans!

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