My reply to the Swedish scientists: Bring it on.

A group of Swedish scientists say that eating processed meats raises stomach cancer risk.

Oooooh… It all makes sense now! That must be what’s been killing all these people lo these many millennia. Stomach cancer from processed meat! Well, that and the acrylamide in all of their baked goods and fried goodies. Whew. We can all heave a huge sigh of relief knowing that these age-old menaces finally have been exposed for the murderous fiends that they are.

What the hell? I mean, really folks. Pardon me, scientists, but could you please tell me what it is that we should be eating? Meat can give you stomach cancer. Bread can give you cancer. Oh, and it contains gluten which is a bad bad thing indeed. And then there’s the lactose in dairy products. Mercury in fish. Pesticides on our fruits and veggies. And don’t even get me started on peanuts. Man, those peanuts’ll kill ya deader than vaudeville.

Pardon me, but I refuse to be afraid of my food. Bring on the meat, ground, cured or smoked and hung in someone’s basement until dry and covered in mold. I want cheese made out of milk that was unpasteuized and came out of a cow when Clinton was in office. Gimme my salmon, give it to me raw and give it to me now, neatly sliced and served atop cunningly shaped balls of rice. Hand over the bread made from yeast which was gathered by letting the bowl sit on your window sill for a week or so.

C’mon, people! We’re, um, people! We’ve been eating this way for as long as there’s been food. Yes, folks have died along that way. That’s kind of by design, I think, otherwise it would be getting awfully crowded around here. Some of them might even have died from something they ate. Some of them also die in cars, but that doesn’t have the media up in arms reporting that “Driving or riding in a motor vehicle greatly reduces your chances of maiming or death,” now does it?

Eat your food. Eat what you want and like it. Hell, go ahead and over eat. Ain’t my problem if you do. Just don’t go getting all sensational and freaked out just because the Swedes seem to have something against real food. Ain’t gonna work. I’m still gonna eat it and I suggest you do, too.