Good idea: Grapes. Bad idea: Smoked Grapes

I was standing around in my kitchen on Saturday, cooking things as I’ve been known to do from time to time, and just randomly thinking. One of the things I thought was, “Ya know what’s tasty and I need to have again? Roasted grapes.” This thought led to others which finally led to me talking to Guy on the phone and saying, “Hey, when you’re at the store could you pick up some grapes? Yeah, I dunno, whatever kind you want. No, merlot would be too small. I want to put them in the smoker and see what happens. Yeah, that kind should be fine.”

So grapes were acquired. And grapes were smoked. Twice. The first batch went on for about a half an hour of alderwood smoke, the second was about five minutes of hickory. Though the reaction to the second was not as pronounced as the first, I can safely say that my reactions were all but identical in all but scale. Though I’m not usually given to posting such overt superlatives, the reaction in question was:

OMG ICK NASTY MAKE IT STOP EWW!

For the record, smoke does not penetrate a grape. No, it merely accumulates on the skin, getting sticky and lying wait for the unsuspecting tongue. The flavor is reminiscent of fresh creosote, but is slightly sweet and juicy. In a word: disgusting. I’d like to point out that this is coming from a woman who enjoys retsina, so it’s not like I wasn’t predisposed to like such a thing. Even so, I hated it. Let the grapes cool? No help.

I may now officially dub “smoked grapes” as a miserable failure. At least hot smoked grapes. Maybe cold smoked would be better. Or just straight-up grilled. Anything would be an improvement.

The fine photo above is courtesy of Guy.