Archived in 2022

Originally posted on 20 Mar 2006

Yes, they’ve got some potent and potentially explosive gaseous emissions. And they cook up quite nicely in their “beef” phase of life. But can you torch a cow?

The reason I ask is that while driving home today I noticed that one of the bovine pastures along the route is home not only to a number of fine looking cud-chewers but also to a brilliantly yellow fireplug.

That’s right. A hydrant. Installed in the middle of a cow pasture just off of 101-N. Quite literally in the middle of nowhere. Why would this be?

Yes, I can think of any number of “logical” explanations just as well as you can, thankyouverymuch. Needing a water supply for the cows. Putting a pasture on land originally zoned for something else. Um…region prone to brush fires?

How about house-training? I think this farmer is raising a new form of house cow. They behave themselves quite nicely indoors. Nary a mess is made (aside from the occassional broken vase). Open the door, let your house cow go out to its friendly neighborhood hydrant and do its cow-y thing, then it returns.

Think of the uses! Begone yard clippings! Hello personal source of natural gas! Leather furniture? I can do you one better than that with furniture which makes its own upholstery! Out of milk? No need to go to the store! Just head out to the front room where Bessie is sleeping peacefully in front of the Rockwellian fire with the kids playing around her.

This must be it. This is the reason for the hydrant. Invest now, folks. House cows are the wave of the future! Bigger, quite literally, than pot-belly pigs, I tell ya.