Dear John^H^H^H^H Gym:

I’m sorry, but this relationship just isn’t working for me anymore. Yes, earlier on we had some laughs, but you’ve changed. There’s that flashy new look you’re sporting. Really, on you it looks contrived. You just can’t pull it off. I should have told you sooner, but there ya are. Then there’s those people who’ve started hanging around… They’re just not up to the standards I thought you believed in. And, to be honest, you just haven’t been paying attention to my needs lately. I’m just not getting anything out of this relationship anymore even though month after month I put plenty into it.

No, this just isn’t going to work. I’m sorry, gym, but I have to break up with you. I’d say, “it’s not you, it’s me,” but, well, I’d be lying. I’m sure you’ll find someone else to pay you $100 a month while the new teenage “trainers” stand around and ignore them. Maybe you can call me sometime if you ever get your act back together. In the meantime I have better ways to spend my time and money.